Day 12 - lunchtime

Yesterday evening was a BIG struggle. I was following smoking strangers in the street planning to try and bum a cigarette. That I didn't is more to do with timidity and luck than any willpower.

I won lost night, but I can't take any credit. It's like a football victory based on a wrongly awaded penalty. You take the result but you know you didn't really deserve it.

Today is better though. It just go to show - you can never be complacent!

Day 11 - morning

Disaster. We drank a bottle of sparkling wine and then I had one of VB's Gauloise roll ups. Yes. A battle lost. Inevitable feelings of self-loathing. Wife was very good. She resisted. Oh well. I need to think of it like a joint or a drunken cigarette at a party. This is not an excuse to abandon the struggle.

This is still Day 11. I'll be damned if I'm going back to Day 1.

Day 10 -evening

Ahh, the emptiness is back. Nothing horrendous. Just a constant awareness of how NICE IT WOULD BE TO HAVE A FAG!!!!

Our friend VB is coming tonight. Maybe this craving is because I associate her with the happy smoking days. It should be OK. Anyway, it's not a craving as such. More of a hollow itch. It's not physical. It would just pass the time.

So with that in mind... off to the washing up. (If VB is smoking then I'm definitely having one tonight!)

Day 10 - morning

So yesterday breezed by. I had one impulse to run out and buy a pack, but after indulging the thought managed to hold off.

Weirdly the biggest pang was caused by seeing a picture of Kate Winslet smoking. Her faux down-to-earthness really annoys me. How come she can smoke and I can't? 'Look at me! I'm so normal and down to earth that I'll have a quick fag in between takes.' She probably has some kind of secret Hollywood lung and blood cleaning procedure. Bastards. All tools of The Man.

Anyway, I got past it. Don't really know why it bothered me. Jealousy I suppose. Jealousy that someone else could still experience that little smoky slice of heaven. She's probably miserable and wishing she could give up. Yes. let's go with that.

Day 9 - afternoon

Nothing much to say. Just the regular pattern of hunger, mild irritation, hot flushes and being bored of chewing gum.

But apart from that it's alright.

Day 8 - evening

Today has kind of breezed by. There are pockets of resistance, butr nothing major. Another pint of Guiness consumed without ill effects (is this going to be a new addiction?) All the smokers in the pub looked kind of stupid. I'm shallow enough to influenced by that.

I had a Star Bar on the way home. The wife was annoying on the phone but we didn't yell at each other. Quite an achievment.

Day 8 - after lunch

Haven't had much time to post. Haven't struggled quite as bad either. Yes, there are twinges but after my helpline shift I managed to get through a pint in the pub without succumbing.

One thing I've noticed is how boring certain things are if you're not smoking. Walking to work for instance. Still, I'm learning to look at the buildings around me.

Day 7 - late afternoon

I've had some moments today. Moments when I hoonestly couldn't understand why I WOULDN'T smoke on a beautiful day like this.

I've managed to keep it under control so far. I keep telling myself that I can start smoking again any time, so why not wait a bit.

Day 7 - after lunch

Not too bad. Hanging in there. Big lunch (which helped). Suffereing from boredom more than anything really specific.

Had a horrible vision of starting again if the family went away on holiday. Oh well, burn that bridge when I come to it.

Day 7 - Morning

Early morning was fine. Even coped with missing car keys without roo much rage.

It's a little more difficult now. The fog was rising in my chest. It's subsided now though. Long day today. Let's take it a step at a time.

Day 6 - night

The end of Day 6. Not satisfactory. Too much anger. Too much hunger. I feel like I've taken a step back. I don't feel so on top of my reasons for giving up. It doesn't feel heroic anymore. It feels stupid. It feels lonely. The cold emptiness is back in my chest. I feel short of breath. Perversely I feel as if a lungful of smoke would get my breathing back to normal. Still, the day is done. And it's another one over.

Day 6 - evening

Very disappointed. A lot of ill temper. I mean, really a lot. It's not just the smoking. Families are a very bad idea. Parents, wives, kids, they're all just things on which you stub the toe of your life.

I didn't think I'd be so snappy today. It started so well. I don't even want to smoke anymore. I'm just filled with rage.

Day 6 - afternoon

Well I was right about not being out of the woods. Some tense moments at the park. After months of feeling like a pariah when ever I smoked near the children's playground today seemed to be National Smoke Near a Toddler day.

I had a number of crises - more irritability than a straight desire to smoke, but the end result was an ice cream at the park and then some saucisson and salad when I got home.

It's a good thing the children are being so annoying as it allows to me vent some of my frustration by yelling.

Day 6 - morning

The addiction is quiet. Too quiet. It's up to something. Occasional twinges but nothing more.

I don't trust it. You're never more vulnerable than when you think you're out of the woods.

This is not the edge of the forest. This is just a clearing.

Day 5 - night time

Pretty good day all in all. Went to some friends for a presentation on weight loss (don't ask.) No real bad pangs there. Watched a movie in peace tonight. OK, while playing GTA I kept half-consciously reaching for a cigarette, but that was habit rather than need.

The only negative is that I felt quite ill this evening, but I think it's unrelated. (I think it's due to a dodgy protein shake at my friend's house.)